Not Sorry
by Alice The Walker
Summary: I’m not going to say I’m sorry Ran." Shinichi has found a place of acceptance and he's not giving it up for anyone. Not even Ran.


He felt rather than saw the pain in her gaze.

Steadfastly avoiding Ran's face, not wanting to see all the hurt, the fear and worry that he just knew was going to be prominently displayed on her face for all the world to see. Especially since he was the cause of it all.

"I'm not going to say I'm sorry Ran. I'm not, and I care enough for what we had that I'm not going to lie. Not to you and not to myself. This is what I want now."

"Shinichi, you're not making any sense. What changed? Ever since you've come back from whatever secret case you were on, you haven't been the same. Are you sure all this isn't just some phase you're going through?"

Keeping the irritation he felt at her easy dismissal of his feelings tightly within himself, he simply shook his head at her. Knowing in his heart that this wasn't a phase, it wasn't sudden and why couldn't she see that they just weren't the people they used to be?!

"I'm being very serious Ran. I love you, just not the way you're expecting me to. It's not going to change no matter how often you ask."

Standing then, so that she wouldn't keep pushing him to feel something he couldn't feel, he laid his money on the table. It was more than enough to cover the cost of both their meals. Before completely walking away from his childhood friend, he leant over and gave her a very simple, chaste kiss on the forehead.

That action seemed to break her stubborn will and as he walked out the door he saw out of the corner of his eye one of the waitresses walking up to Ran to comfort her. There were silent tears making tracks down her face.

As much as he knew he should feel remorse for making her cry, he simply felt free. Like he'd finally set down a very heavy burden, one he had been carrying for years. Strolling down the sidewalk he was able to truly appreciate how beautiful everything was. Environmentalists might not see the beauty in the concrete city, but contrary to all their cries, there was life all over the place in this city. People bustled by, some talking on phones, others chatting with friends, some just sedately walking by with nary a care in the world. It was all so diverse, and he could finally appreciate it.

He might have hated being trapped as Conan, effectively having his hands tied in terms of being of help to others, but it had taught him something very important. To not give up, to take a moment and appreciate being alive. He knew now that he didn't have to conform to what everyone expected of him.

The realization hadn't truly come until he'd about lost it all though. When he'd been injured by Gin in the fight, when he'd lain in the hospital knowing that the Mouri's were all under FBI protection until the last of the Black Organization had been rooted up, when he'd almost fallen off of a building trying to catch Kid, none of those experiences had changed what he thought he should do.

He'd finally resolved to live for himself when he stood on death's door and was pulled back by a mysterious voice though. Not even all the people he'd cared for had been able to bring him out of the coma the Apotoxin antidote had put him into. But one night, or day he wasn't too sure, there had been a voice he hadn't recognized.

It had told him to come back, that he had so much left to do. So many things to accomplish, and that the person didn't believe he was someone to throw that all away. That he still had to live for his passion, and what would his idol think of him for giving up when there was so much left to do. Would he really give up on life because of one more challenge? Shouldn't he be able to overcome all the challenges presented to him?

When he'd finally woken up, no one had admitted to saying any of those things though. When he'd questioned the nurses about who had entered the room he'd been in, all of them listed only names of people whose voices he'd recognized. Which meant a stranger had been the one to pull him back from the edge.

He had a hunch who had been the one to save him, but until he could meet the person, he had no way of confirming it. Surprisingly it didn't worry him though. Whoever they had been, that person had opened his eyes to everything he had now. Or rather, what he no longer had.

Wandering into one of the small parks that were scattered infrequently throughout the city, Shinichi mused to himself as he watched branches full of sakura petals sway gently in the breeze.

He was more than willing to admit he'd once viewed Ran as a possible romantic partner. But after becoming Conan, and living with her as her younger brother, he couldn't make himself see them as anything more than close friends.

The stranger had inadvertently given him the courage to break away from everyone's expectations for him to ask Ran out, and had told her the truth. That to him, she was nothing more than a sister. She hadn't taken it well, seemingly unable to understand that she was no longer first in his heart. He supposed that to her, it was all a very sudden shift in feelings. For him though, it had been slow, something that had happened over the course of the two years he'd been Edogawa Conan, instead of Kudo Shinichi.

As the greenery of the park faded back into the concrete of the city, Shinichi purposefully turned his steps toward a small café he'd found while he was in the hospital recovering from the lingering weakness the coma had left him with. At the diner with Ran, he hadn't really been able to eat, his appetite absent from the stress of explaining how he now felt to Ran.

Now though it had come back with a vengeance. Having not eaten anything for several hours, he felt very happy as the café came into view. Ladies Luck was an unusual café. Its main attraction was that all the people who worked in the front were attractive males. While the café was mostly populated with females, and the occasional boyfriend who tended to appear very awkward, Shinichi felt fine going there by himself.

When he'd been recovering from the coma, one of the older nurses had taken pity on him, and regularly brought him to the café. The food there was excellent and all the waiters were extremely polite to the old woman. There was a sense of family there, and he'd been rather quickly accepted by the staff.

Walking in the door, he was greeted to an enthusiastic hug from one of the part time workers. Kuroba Kaito was rather unusual. He worked there, performing magic tricks for the girls and being something of a light flirt to all the women. To all the men and his co-workers, he was something of a fondly thought of annoyance. The magician waiter said he wanted to be the greatest magician ever, and often took the chance to practice his tricks on those around him. Ever since Shinichi had started coming here, the man had taken a strange interest in trying to fool him.

"Shin-chan!!!!! You're back! And in one piece too. Did you chicken out?"

As he spoke Shinichi was trying to extricate himself from the boy's hold. He really was too touchy feely in his opinion. His efforts were halted though, as he felt a sense of foreboding come over him at the sight of Kuroba's Cheshire Cat grin.

Suddenly there was a loud shout from the kitchen area, and storming out the swinging doors was another of the waiters. It was Mike, a short, lean American, complete with natural blonde hair and blue eyes. Or at least he thought it was Mike. The man was covered from head to toe in chicken feathers, so it made identification something of a tricky business.

The man froze at the sight of the two locked together in an embrace, if you could call it that. Shaking his head in disgust, the man turned around again without speaking, trudging back into the kitchen to reach the private bathrooms.

Shinichi felt a headache starting up.

"Kuroba-san…"

"It's Kaito, Shin-chan!"

"Kaito-san," Shinichi continued despite the pouting face Kuroba made at the suffix, "if you would be so kind as to let go of me, so I can sit down and order some food, it would be appreciated. Also, I would appreciate if you would at least use my full name, and –kun. I'm not a girl, and we're not lovers."

The grin was back at that, and Kuroba practically purred his next words at him.

"Not lovers yet you mean."

"Kuroba Kaito, stop harassing the young man. I don't want to see him back in my hospital for at least a month."

The old woman was there. Shinichi felt gratitude swell within him as the Obaa-chan chastised Kuroba, who let him go immediately. The fellow teenager was strange, but Shinichi was starting to get used to him. He didn't try and kick the boy when he jumped on him anymore.

He was now pretty sure that Kuroba wasn't the mysterious voice as well. Placing his order finally, a black coffee and some croissants, he settled into his seat. Observing Kuroba move throughout the store, providing amusement for many of the girls, he acknowledged that while there were similarities in voice, the stranger and Kuroba were definitely too different attitude wise. The stranger had been serious and Kuroba was very light hearted. Beyond that Kuroba was about as subtle as a firework and would have found it impossible to not draw attention to himself while at the hospital.

As the food arrived Shinichi decided to stop analyzing it. The man had helped him and that was it. He was going to live and no longer dwell so much on the past. While he would never forget, he wasn't going to obsess over it the way his past self might have done.

Dissecting all the tricks Kuroba pulled, handing out the flowers that randomly appeared around him to different girls as Kuroba pouted, Shinichi felt at peace. He'd finally found a place where he could relax and just be him. Smiling to himself, he caught the eye of Kuroba who looked at him with a questioning look. Letting the grin completely overtake his face, he nodded his head to show he was okay. At that Kuroba let out a smirked and proceeded to cover Shinichi in roses.

Shaking his head, he ignored the flowers, earning himself an indignant look from Kaito.

'Yeah,' Shinichi thought, 'I'm not sorry at all.'

**I know I should totally be working on Floral Delights, but I've got no will to write it at the moment. I was actually going to work on it, but then Awake and Alive by Skillet(best band ever!) came on pandora radio. And I suddenly felt the need to write this. I'm sure part of the inspiration was also a part of a conversation between me and Teah-chan. We were discussing our views on Ran with Shinichi in regards to Raven, Tantei-kun? If you haven't read that yet, go read it. ^^ It's a story full of awesomeness, with more to come. The only down point, it's not a blatant KaiShin. I like to imagine it is though. ^^; sorry Teah-chan.**

**Anyways, this just flowed. So now it's back to stumbling through Floral Delights. For those who hate cliches, Mike is not a cliche. He's a friend of the family, who's 5'6", naturally blonde with blue eyes, and he has lean muscles. ;p Totally real character. Though he doesn't speak Japanese. ^^**

**Please review, I'd love to hear comments, thoughts, opinions, constructive criticisms, questions, queries and the like. Hope you all enjoyed, have a good night/day!**


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